Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Deeper Thoughts

Even as I sit to write this, I'm not sure what I'm going to be writing about. I just have a lot of thoughts in my head that I need to sort out! :)

First, in my quiet time this week, I once again came across this prayer, which I love:
"Lord, Speak in my words today, think in my thoughts and work in my deeds. And seeing that it is your gracious will to make use of even such weak human instruments in the fulfillment of your mighty purpose for the world, let my life today be the channel thru which some little portion of your divine love and pity may reach the lives that are nearest my own." - John Baillie
People are often asking me about the move, if I'm excited about it. It's been a difficult question to answer. On the one hand, I truly believe that this is the right thing for our family. In the big picture, things will work themselves out, we will move on, we will live a great life. And this is a great opportunity for Mike and he's very excited about it. In some ways, I even feel like Esther in the bible who is being called "for such a time as this". And yet in the short-term immediate future, I am having trouble trusting. Almost every morning I wake up and pray "Lord, you know I want to trust you, but Lord you also know my doubts. As I come honestly before you, please help me find a way to trust you in the hear and now with our house selling and buying." And if I'm really honest, the reason I'm having trouble trusting was because 10 years ago I prayed for Justice at a trial...something to me that seemed like an obvious, easy request for God to grant. And yet at the trial, justice was not granted. My prayers were not answered. I have worked thru so many issues with the trial...grief, anger, grace, forgiveness,...and yet this issue of trust still lingers 10 years later! And while I believe one day I will ultimately understand and I can trust Him for long-term, as "His ways are not my ways, His thoughts are not my thoughts" and yet his heart for me is love, yet it still makes trusting for short-term things hard. Our house might not sell this summer. I might have to grieve that things are all neat and tidy and Sarah's Kindergarten year begins with uncertainty. And yet I know we'll get thru it, I know life will be great, one day we might even laugh about this time (although I find it doubtful at the moment). All I know to do right now is be honest before God and to fill my head with His truth. Here are some verses I'm leaning on.
"Cast all your cares on him 'cause he cares for you." 1 Pet 5:7
"So do not worry, saying "what shall we eat?" or "what shall we drink?" or "when will our house sell?". Your heavenly Father knows that you need them. Matt 6:31-2
"Trust in the Lord... lean not on your own understanding... acknowledge him... he will make your paths straight." Prov 3:5-6

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