Integrity, a Detective, and my Momma Heart

In many ways this has been a very difficult week.  My heart has been aching and stretching.  Parenting is truly a journey of the heart. 

This week Morgan had to make a very difficult decision to report something to her coach.  She came home from practice overwhelmed by the circumstances.  A fellow teammate’s poor choices (and I feel they really are a great individual who made a stupid, stupid choice!) have resulted in the entire team needing to speak with a detective this week. This individual has a 10 day suspension and will not be competing at end of season championships today. Their presence and talent will truly be missed today.  And my heart breaks – what made them make such a foolish choice?!  I’m reminded how one choice has far reaching consequences to so many others – like the ongoing ripples from one pebble tossed in the pond. 

But let me speak from my momma heart about Morgan.

• She chose integrity. She chose to the right thing. Even though it was gut-wrenching hard. She’s a teen and she made the right choice.  Will she always? Probably not, she’s a human, not a saint.  But I am so very proud of her.
•  We’ve had powerful conversations. Like, “Mom, I know I can say “I forgive you” but how do you really forgive someone?! Like deep down in your heart? Because I want to forgive.”  So we talked about grace and how trust is different than forgiveness.  Maybe it’s time for her to read my memoir. For me, it was a 10 year journey, I hope I can help her figure it out sooner than I did!
•  We’ve had great conversations about how situations like this reveal the character of others.  We’ve discussed how different people on the team have handled it and about the value of friendships. I’ve loved the depth of our conversations this week.

And while I will enjoy watching the strength of her spin and catch consistently today, it is the strength of her character that I am treasuring most in my heart today.  Lord, Thank you for letting me be this girl’s momma! 

Love both my girls! Easter...

I like her growing up!

I often use hashtags like #yearsflyingby #growinguptoofast #timepleaseslowdown #nopausebutton -- I feel this. Every day. I love being a momma. I love these years. I don't want them to end.

And yet I do. Because I like watching my girls grow up. I like seeing them discover this world, to enjoy relationships, and be all who God created them to be.  If they never grew up, I wouldn't get the joy of experiencing all these bittersweet moments of motherhood. 

I just had to pause on this cloudy Saturday morning, while Mike and our girls are watching yet another episode of Star Trek Next Generation, and record one such incident.

Last year, and at the beginning of this year, Morgan use to dread, I mean absolutely dread, going to school on pep assembly days.  She had this paralyzing fear that she would be called to the front of the school and have to participate in the assembly in front of everyone.  (All of us true introverts just said amen!) But for her, it was intense. She would actually beg me to let her stay home from school on pep assembly days.  And I had to remind her how she had begged me in kindergarten to stay home from school on field day because of these same fears, and yet she came home saying it was her best day ever.  Then  I'd send her off with a prayer whispered upward.

Well yesterday, she performed with her color guard team at the pep assembly!! Yes.She.Did. And then, after school she tried out for the high school color guard team which means she will be performing in front of large audiences this coming year if she makes the team!

This 'growing up' of hers makes my heart sing and dance in a hundred shades of happiness. 

I will also add, that a couple of weeks ago the youth had a march madness night - and even on the way to church she was like "I am NOT going to be on a team for games" -- and after she got home... "Guess what mom, our team WON and I actually participated in a relay in front of everyone - it was awesome!!" Growth. It's a beautiful thing.

Spring is here. She is blossoming. Life is beautiful. I love this season we are in.

And if I couldn't be proud enough already...

Growing Pains (in my momma heart!)

I'm still amazed at how fast these years are flying by.  These sweet, beautiful years, refuse to slow down.  In the last 24 hours, my momma heart has been filled with bittersweet tugs.

Yesterday I found Morgan crying in my bed.  Why? Because she was trying to finish reading The Outsiders, and the words on the page so moved and touched her, she couldn't stop crying to read the words to finish the story.  Oh how I love that words have penetrated her heart in this beautiful way.  

Today was my last lunch with Sarah at her school.  She has 1 and a half days of school left, and she will venture onto Middle School.  The problem with having my girls so close together is how each stage is full, then so quickly over. The days of elementary school are over for us.  And yes, my eyes fill with tears as I type this words.  They've been good years.  Not how I exactly pictured them, but good none the less.  And so very beautiful.

Last night Sarah mowed the entire front lawn by herself.  I'm amazed at how capable she is of these seemingly 'grownup' tasks.

Morgan's introverted self has struggled with middle school friendships this year (oh, how I can relate!). But she has excelled in academics.  The end of the year has brought much joy as we celebrate her being accepted in NJHS, and her teachers recommending her for algebra and advanced science next year.  She works so hard, and it's so nice to see others recognize her efforts.

Sarah's Night at the Museum.
Pocahontas.
"Sisters" 

We have 5 summers left with Morgan and 7 with Sarah.  You better believe we will fill them with as much happiness and memories as we can!  Can't wait for our 3500 mile road trip this summer!! (DC, Philly, Boston, Maine, and Hershey!)

Sarah's first 5K! 5.31.14
"Fierce"

Swim Team Practice has begun again!
Mike and I get beautiful sunsets to enjoy while they swim! 

Here are a few more of my thoughts on these fleeting years. http://www.thegoodstuffguide.com/years-flying-by/

Been Awhile

Thought I'd just stop in and jot down a few thoughts since it's been a LONG while since I've paused and recorded the ever-fleeting moments of my life.

Like last night I'm putting Morgan to bed, trying to process with her why she doesn't want to go to youth group, and I almost lost it when I find these words spilling out of my mouth, "Well in just one year, you will be one of those high schoolers." What?! Did I really just say that?! No.I.Did.Not. Can't be.  It just can't be.  Somebody please find a way to slow down time. TODAY. I'll spend top dollar for it. #sigh

We are running a 5K in 2 weeks.  I have not ran in over a year.  This is not going to be pretty.  I've had a hard time breathing this spring, lots of coughing, almost impossible to run.  Sarah is doing running club at school and wanted to do a 5K, so we signed up. I'm sure with all the girls swimming, they will do just fine. I guess we will just meet them at the finish line. :)

Mother's day weekend we skipped our annual camping trip - it was calling for rain - and headed for KC instead.  My favorite part of the weekend? Laughing so hard we couldn't even catch our breath as we are all trying to fall asleep in the hotel room. This went on for over a half an hour. It was so good to just laugh at total silliness.  The girls would ask questions like "Why is a cucumber called a cucumber?" And Mike would sound all scientific and give a totally silly response. It was one of those "had to be there" -- but boy, it was just the perfect gift for this momma!!

Here are a couple photos of our time in KC:

And one of my favorite photos: 4 Generations (2001)

Sometimes a Mom must be Brave

The news this past week has been horrific.  A well-liked, seemingly normal, junior high football coach physically grabs a 10 year old stranger walking to her friends house off the street, throws her in his truck (with witnesses nearby), drives 5 minutes away to his house, shoots her in the back of the head and stuffs her in a plastic tub, cleans up the mess and leaves -- and then returns to find police waiting for him. No fight from him.  All within a matter of 3 hours.  Bizzare. Horrific. Tragic. Terrifying.

Oh and did I mention this is just 15 minutes from our house?

This has invaded my deepest fears, wrecking me. I've lost sleep this week. I've been waking up from nightmares. One night I was actually laying on the cold bathroom floor with that horrible taste of 'being about ready to vomit' in my mouth, moaning. My fears have been intense.  And ugly.

As a mom of a 11 and 12 year old who frequently walk 1-2 blocks between two friends' houses (who are also 10 and 11) - My momma heart has held so much.

Obviously, I have told my girls about this -- not the details, we've kept the news off -- I feel a need to 'protect' them from too much info. We've reviewed safety and emphasized more than once why we insist they always walk with someone else when they are walking somewhere.

But the hardest thing I did this week -- was to let them go again.  We let them walk over to their friends houses still.  We've let them enjoy these springlike days playing in our backyard.  We've let the wait outside for the bus still.

Because here's the thing I know.  I can NOT let fear and evil rule our lives. We fight fear with bravery.  I must show them, teach them, that trust, and beauty, and love, and goodness are more powerful in this world.  Yes, we take precautions, -- but we don't let evil win.

On a side note, I've thought again about the Hunger Games series this week, and I think that's why I LOVE the end of The Hunger Games series so much.  Shes chooses bravery over fear. She choose to find goodness in the world instead of focusing on the evil. So much wisdom there. 

To Make the Grinch Grin...

So...I was subbing at Sarah's school this morning and her teacher pulled me aside and had me read her recent writing assignment.  And it absolutely made my day!! There are so many times I wonder if I'm doing anything right as a mom.  If anything I'm teaching them is sinking in.  And then I get glimpses on days like today that encourage me, that yes, perhaps I am!  

She wrote:

To make the Grinch grin, I would tell him the true meaning of Christmas. I would tell him that it is Jesus' birthday, and we give and get presents to remember the greatest gift of all. I would also play fun games with him. So he does not get mad, I would let him win each time. That is how I would make the Grinch grin. 

Isn't that just precious! I LOVE her heart!! Truth, kindness, and action.

So, how would you make the Grinch grin?!

When I'm Less of a Mom than I Want to Be

On the sidebar of my blog, it says, "I live in the gap between the mom I want to be and the mom I really am."   You see there is this perfect mom that I picture - one who is patient, who doesn't yell, who always knows the right answer, the right thing to do.  I know it's unrealistic. I know I can never be perfect. I even know that attempting perfection is not healthy.  But you see I really don't want my brokenness to transfer to my kids. Those things I don't like about myself, the things I'm working on, I don't want to instill in them.  Is that so bad?

Then there is the mom I really am.  The one who yells. The one who is less than patient. The one who doesn't know what to do half the time.

And here I am tonight, in the gap between the two, trying to find middle ground.  Here's today's incident.

I had several moms and daughters over today (part of a new group I started of moms/daughters serving together once a month in our community). Today we were making cookies to take to police/fire stations to say 'thanks for serving our community.'  Sarah is busy decorating cookies, then I turn around and find she has decided to NOT frost her cookies, no, she decided to frost her hands...and throw in a bunch of sprinkles, and mix them in, and then proceed to cover both sides of her hands!!!!  Seriously, is she two and half? Because I thought she was nine and a half! At two and half I would have gasped, raised my voice in a crazy sounding 'no', then proceeded to explain to her that 'no, we frost the cookies, like this, not our hands.'  But to my 9.5 year old? All I can yell is this "What were you thinking? What in the world made you think this would be ok? I can't believe you have done this! Seriously, Sarah?! Wash your hands now!"  Oh, I zapped the joy right out of the room.  Sigh.  She knows better. Yet she chooses different. And I'll admit, I found it embarrassing (both her actions, and then my response).

So tonight, I try to think, how can I respond different next time? What should my response have been? And you know what? I.have.no.clue.NOT.one.tiny.clue. about how to do this different next time  - ask her nicely to stop, eye rolling, laughing, ignoring...you know what. I don't have an answer.  Do you?  I'd love your perspective.

And here I am at the end of the day, trying to give myself grace. Why do I always find it the hardest to extend grace to myself? I did read "Jesus Calling" devotional tonight, written as if Jesus is speaking to you, and I read, " Gaze into My eyes, and you will see no condemnation, only Love and delight in the one I see." And I am once again captivated by God's grace for me. Even when I don't deserve it, he extends Love and delight to me. I am trying to rest in that truth as I straddle this gap of motherhood.

Yep, I blinked!

Well apparently I should not have blinked...because this is Morgan's first  day of elementary school...

...insert blink...and here she is today as she heads off for her last  day of elementary school...

Pulling up the picture of Morgan's first day of Kindergarten, I found one of Sarah's first day of Preschool...

...again I blinked...and now she is finishing up 3rd grade today!

Oh these six years have flown by! I am so glad I get to be their mom and very thankful that summer allows me the opportunity to spend extra time with these beautiful girls! Here's one more picture from down memory lane...

and once again...blink...

Love, Two of the Sweetest Kids

While the past hour is still fresh in my mind, I'm pausing to 'capture' it.

First my day began with a phone call from my own mom! How sweet to hear her voice first thing in the morning! I love her! And hope she has a beautiful day! I wish 650 miles didn't separate us today (okay, I wish that everyday!)

Then sleepy girls emerged from their bedrooms - the first thing on their minds was finding me and wishing me a Happy Mother's Day and placing in my hands homemade cards of love. Such sweetness. Sarah wanted to 'snuggle' and Morgan wanted Daddy to get up so he could get me my present!

And my present...a new lounge chair! My last one the squirrels chewed up the first year we moved  here. So, they bought me a 'squirrel proof one'! I set it up in my bedroom, so I could have 'breakfast in my lounge chair' in lieu of 'breakfast in bed'! :)

So my waitress (Sarah) shows up, with a towel over her arm, fairy-danced hair, and chocolate at the corners of her mouth.  "What would you like, mam?" "How about some chocolate chip pancakes and some orange juice?" "Ok, I will be right back with that."

When my tray arrives, it has a sweet napkin note, a daisy, and of course breakfast.  And I just had to smile at how they signed the napkin - "Love, Two of the Sweetest Kids" - Oh, I do have to agree with that!

Well the restaurant continues for awhile with them cooking Mike up some eggs and him giving the waitress a hard time about being out of orange juice. I ask what the name of this fine establishment is and they respond "The Two Daughters".  Apparently they are open 24/7. We will definitely have to come back! And our meal...was free!! Oh yay! 

And then the best part - my ears hear that they have hired a dishwasher (Morgan) - and as Mike reports back to me, "The kitchen looks awesome!" I am so spoiled. and loved. and blessed. We are heading out soon to hike my favorite trails at Roaring River State Park and enjoy a picnic lunch. I do believe this is a perfect mother's day!

Here are a couple pics of my 'sweetest kids'... 

This is Sarah laying in the hammock with me the other day
after school. It is so her right now - lost in the world of a good book
and constantly popping her expander out of her mouth!

Morgan & I about to begin our 5K Friday night!
We had a good time! 

Oh, and as I'm finishing this up, Morgan brings some of my 'stuff' to put away in my room - which means, she has not only cleaned up the kitchen, she is also picking up the house (and I think her sister is helping)!! So glad I get to be the mom of these two amazing girls!!

Imperfectly Me

This is one of those mornings that I am fully aware of all my imperfections as a mom. One of those mornings where after the girls leave, I cry - because of all the things I feel I did wrong.  Yelled too much, was too short with them, too harsh, and did I really say to them, "just go out to the bus early 'cuz I really don't want to hear it anymore?!" ugh.

I try to remind myself, no one is perfect. Give yourself some grace. Forgive yourself. It's okay. Really, it is. You get to try again. But it still hurts. And I hate it when I find myself in these moments. And I'm once again thankful that God accepts me in all my imperfectness. He gives me grace.

And then there is the other fact. The girls, they aren't perfect either. They are kids - growing kids - who don't always get it right either - who push boundaries, 'cuz that's what kids do - who are selfish at times - 'cuz that's what humans do - and who fight and argue for who knows why.

So here we are, sharing life together in all our imperfectness. And I know I wouldn't trade it for anything. I just like the sweet moments so much better!

Update: So about an hour after I published this post, I come across this on another blog, "She didn't have to be perfect, because she was perfectly loved. I John 4:8" Oh for truth - Lord, I thank you! 

Confessions

Confession #1. I wish these years with the girls would never end. It's hard for me to imagine Morgan and Sarah not being a part of my every day life one day. (And yes I'm crying right now.) I want to always hear them laughing out loud in the back seat of the car. I want to always enjoy their squeals as they fly on the tube across the lake. I want to always cheer them on  as they practice dive after dive. I want to always wake up camping with them sleeping next to me in a tent.  And yet, I know I'll cherish their growing up too. I just know these sweet days are going to end before I'm ready for them too! And I'm reminded...cherish the moments...all we have are moments on the journey...

Confession #2. I love Mountain Dew. I know there is absolutely nothing good about it, but I LOVE it. Mike does too.  Tomorrow we are challenging each other to give up soda...(maybe forever?!?). There's a $100 bucks on the line to the one who holds out the longest!

Confession #3. Sometimes I feel guilty that I am not using my college degree. That I'm not contributing financially to our family in a bigger way than substitute teaching allows. That I'm not touching lives through a career in social work.  I worry that it will be hard to get back into the field after all the years of being at home with the girls.  And yet, back to confession #1 - I know deep down that I'm making the right choice for our family right now. And I'm thankful that Mike feels it's the right choice too. And I'm thankful we've built a lifestyle that makes it possible. Life is about moments, and yet it's also about choices...

Deeper Ponderings of My Mother's Day

Sunlight filtering down through the treetops. Hammock gently swaying beneath me. Wispy breeze playing with my hair. Water rushing over rocks, creating the most melodic sound. Morgan crawls into the hammock next to me. The top of her hair ever so gently coming to rest on the side of my cheek. And I inhale the joy of the moment. and I whisper, "I love you Morgan." and she whisper's back, "I love you too, mommy." And I smile. I can no longer sign 'mommy' to the notes I leave in her lunch box, she is 'too old' for that. But for some reason on this quiet afternoon, I am still her 'mommy' along this creek's edge. It's a moment I want to carry in my heart for always.

Bursting from within her is excitement to deep to contain. It is Mother's Day Weekend and something within Sarah wants to make it special for me. All weekend she keeps pausing to give me hugs, "I love you mommy!", "Happy Mother's Day weekend!"  She can't WAIT to give me their present. She keeps trying to give me clues every time she thinks of one. She is thrilled with the gift that Mike took her and Morgan to pick out for me. She knows I will "LOVE IT!" She tells me this many times. Then she wants to give me back rubs and back massages, so she keeps asking, "Can I give you another back itch?" I love how she words things sometimes - you can't help but smile. And every time I look at her, she smiles. Her big grin that comes from the depth of her soul and spills out and blesses all those around. And I hope nothing in life ever steals that smile away from her. 

On our second night camping, a young couple set up camp next to us. I looked at Mike and said "They remind me of us many years ago...how did we get from there to here?"  He said he thought the same thing and then added more that made me smile. But seeing this unknown couple made me thankful that Mike decided to venture into parenthood with me - and that our days camping are now filled with the memories that include two beautiful daughters. It makes me think of the song "Then" by Brad Paisley, that says, "we've come so far since that day, and I thought I loved you then..." and goes on to say "We'll look back someday, at this moment that we're in, And I'll look at you and say, And I thought I loved you then..."

I thought of my own mom this weekend a lot too.  Of her love of nature. Walking in the woods with her when I was a child. I have this memory of her one time poking a bunch of ferns in her straw hat to keep the bugs away.  I remember her stopping to take pictures of flowers and for the life of me I could NOT understand why she would want a picture of flowers or anything else in nature for that matter. But now I understand her. Here is just one of the many 'nature pictures' I took of my own this weekend. And there in the midst of nature, 600 miles too many away from my mom, I felt closer to her. And I felt my own lips curl up into a smile at that realization. 

Mother's Day Memories

Last year, for Mother's Day weekend, it was FREEZING cold at Roaring River State Park, but I still fell in love with this beautiful natural wonder. So this year, with the weather looking **GORGEOUS** I knew I wanted to head back there. With temps in the 80s, we spent the weekend exploring new trails, meandering through the woods for hours, jumping creeks, searching for geocaches, peeking in caves, climbing rocks, and pausing to notice all the mini waterfalls. Seriously, what could make a mother's day weekend any better than hours of uninterrupted time with the three people I love most in the whole world!?! Then at the campground, we laughed playing a game called Spoons, relaxed by the creek's edge in the hammock, and enjoyed skipping countless rocks in the river. And of course, s'mores were a given!

snackime

"Devil's Kitchen"

Cave Exploring

Water dripping off the cliff walls.

So many beautiful spots to stop and enjoy.

Skipping Rocks.

Relaxing by the water's edge. 

Glimpses of Heaven

When the girls were younger, they would come and curl up in my bed every morning. I loved that waking-up-slowly time with them.  Now they are older, they tend to wake each other up, play together, find some cartoons to watch - and somehow without warning - those sweet morning times with me ended.  Yet, this morning, it happened again. And I just HAD to pause and write it down.

Just before the twilight gives way to the morning brightness, Sarah tumbles into my room and climbs into my bed. I lay here, feeling the warmth of my sweet daughter snuggling next to me. Her hair a tousled mess, it looks like the fairies danced in her hair again last night. Involuntarily, my hand reaches up and touches her face – so soft, so tender, I simply receive the gift as it is – a glimpse of heaven here on earth. I turn her eyes towards mine – those big, brown eyes – the windows to her soul – and I look deep into them and I whisper, “I love you. Every day. For the rest of my life.” And she whispers back, “I love you too,” as her lips curl into the sweetest smile. Then, as my arms reach around her, hugging her tight, my soul whispers a silent thanks to God, treasuring once again, this undeserved gift of motherhood.